We’re getting 3 new Pinocchios, but only one of them is hot

We’ve hit peak Pinocchio season. The wooden marionette who wishes to be a real boy is just about everywhere. Disney’s live-action adaptation will launch on Disney Plus in September, and Guillermo del Toro’s highly anticipated stop-motion animated version of the story will hit Netflix in December. It doesn’t end there — nope, this is the gift that keeps on giving. Sometime in 2023, video game Lies of P, which will meld Pinocchio’s story with Bloodborne-inspired gameplay, will launch on PlayStation 5, Windows PC, and Xbox Series X.

That’s a lot of Pinocchio, my friends! But only one of these Pinocchios has dared to go where no lad has ventured before. Only one of these Pinocchios is hot. And it’s not the stop-motion bark-looking guy.

Image: Netflix

Lies of P has a very different, distinctive take on Pinocchio — he now looks more like Timothée Chalamet. Or like an actor in Riverdale — or any show that hires hot actors to depict teens, who are not and do not actually look like teens. This Pinocchio is not a young boy at all.

Pinocchio dreams big but this Pinocchio has dreamed bigger. What a leap to go from this flamin’ hot Pinocchio:

Image: Disney

To this guy:

Image: Neowiz

A gameplay trailer for Lies of P was revealed during Tuesday’s Gamescom Opening Night Live. This steampunk hero can swap out arm pieces for various types of weapons, and he’ll be fighting his way back to Gepetto. It’s a large departure from the classic Pinocchio adaptions of yore — Lies of P is set in the city of Krat, which has become “a living hell filled with unspeakable horrors.” Though this one might come closest to capturing just how dark, genuinely brutal, and outright weird the classic book is.

Lest we forget, Pinocchio is canonically a liar. How will the game pull off his signature growing nose while maintaining his appealingly dour, emo look? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.