If you were a videogame, what kind of game would you be and why?

Thanks to HenrykForkbeard, who posed this question on the PC Gamer forum, asking. “If you were a video game, what genre/type of game would you be and why? (Extra credit for a story/character description).” It’s definitely a much more interesting query than “what kind of tree would you be”, a question that only rarely lets you know which people are messy dating sims.

If you were a videogame, what kind of game would you be and why?

Here are our answers, plus some from our forum.

Lauren Morton, Associate Editor: An open world RPG with no limit on how many things you can keep active in your quest log. All the quests sound cool. I want to finish all of them but I can’t choose which to do first—the closest? The biggest? The main questline? My favorite companion’s personal quest? All I know is I’m going to pick up every single quest I can find, get halfway through most of them, complete the least consequential, and ignore the main quest as long as I’m allowed, all while stuffing my inventory with crafting materials I’ve hoarded even though I can’t remember what they were for.

Robin Valentine, Print Editor: I’d be a classic point-and-click adventure game where the protagonist wanders slowly around offering half-baked quips about things when you click on them. One of those ones where you’re constantly getting stuck and just bashing random objects together hoping they combine into a solution.

Jody Macgregor, Weekend/AU Editor: I’d be a stealth game. I’m just over here quietly doing my thing on a low-chaos Clean Hands playthrough. (In this game the healing items are cups of tea.)

Sean Martin, Guides Writer: I’d likely be a Total War game, but specifically that advisor you can’t work out how to turn off. You know, the one who pops up at random times to shout stuff like “YOU ARE AT WAR WITH THE ETRUSCAN LEAGUE!” or chooses inopportune moments to ramble about the minute differences between spearmen.

Ted Litchfield, Associate Editor: I am too clever by half and will make you feel bad for your choices no matter what they are. I am Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords.

Imogen Mellor, Features Producer: I’d be an action-RPG about a woman with a bow. As an archer in real life, I always pick archery builds when they’re available and so I’d ideally be a game where the archery was both good, and fairly accurate while being fun. I’m still waiting for any improvement from Wii Sports Resort.

Rich Stanton, News Editor: My game would be half survival sim where you maintain a base, then half a Katamari-esque physics sim where feral children screw it all up as you flop uselessly around trying to contain the mess.

Andy Chalk, US News Lead: I’m an idle game. Leave me alone and I’ll do what I do.

Tyler Wilde, Executive Editor: I took up amateur boxing a year ago, so I guess I’d be a fighting game. I haven’t actually competed, though, so we’ll say it’s in early access, and only includes a training stage right now. Also, I injured my wrist earlier this year and had some pretty unhealthy habits prior to my mid-30s, so you’re using a creaky old controller with a sticky D-pad, and sometimes your preferred character appears to wince during their idle animation, which is weird. Still, you’re pretty sure you’ll be good when the full game releases. Your character gets winded quickly, but their hubris stat is maxed out, which you assume is good.

Lauren Aitken, Deputy Guides Editor: I’m definitely either a narrative-driven RPG, with lots of choices and romance and drama, or a chaotic management sim.

From our forum (opens in new tab)

HenrykForkbeard: I think I’d be an RPG with a roller coaster of emotions story line that is distinctly like Dark Souls in terms of its annoyance and difficulty. The story would be based around 8 individual characters that you’d follow through on a journey to find out in the end, it’s really only one character that existed with split personalities and lots of loot.

WoodenSaucer: I was thinking of Solitaire… because I just want to be alone, but everybody plays me for a cheap thrill.

Pifanjr: One of those edutainment games that teaches you programming. It has a story to tie all the programming assignments together, but it’s pretty weak.

Kaamos_Llama: Something that ends up in development hell because all the creatives have totally different ideas, and then it never gets released.

Frindis: I’d be an annoying John McClane with a headache type of character in a detective point-and-click FPS game set in a neo-noir looking world. I’d work at night getting a slight tan from all the burning neon lights feeding on my headache which will make me even more eager to end the night and finish my mission. The missions will come from my Boss, Mr. Biggles, a sad creature with a pointy tail wearing an ugly-looking hat from the mid-80s. The kind of hat you think makes you look cool but in reality, you look like somebody stomped your face in a puddle of Melvin the mop guy and made that your hat.

Biggles would always give me those annoying phone calls just as you are going to bed, telling me that YOU are the only one he had on his list and who can do the job. In reality, you know that he hates your guts and hope you slip up on the job, killing somebody. I’ll always give him the “Yes, sir” then I slam the phone, drink acid on the rocks, and scream the way down to my rusty old sleeper bike.

I’ll put on my snakeskin helmet, slam the pedal down and ooze down the bright lanes of hell while listening to the only music a sane person in this shitty world would listen to – A catatonic deep bass punk music by the Great Warheads.

mainer: An open world, party-based (4-6 companions) RPG. Either a fantasy or sci-fi theme, or maybe post-apocalyptic. Companions and NPCs would have real in-depth personalities and have advanced AI, so that they feel like living, breathing people (no more repeating the same dialog over and over). Lots of dialog and banter. Conversations and choices made would always have some affect in the game whether large or small. Exploration and discovery would be key features. Perspective would probably be 3rd person, though I’m not opposed to 1st person or even isometric.

ZedClampet: My game would be Napping and Video Games Simulator because I’m about to retire. The main character would be an old guy who sees a young guy when he looks in a mirror.

Brian Boru: After the incredible success of my board game (opens in new tab), I’ve been inundated with requests to bring it to the video game world. The clincher was when Gabe offered to release it as the B side of Half Life 3—so design is well under way, working title Brian’s Saga (opens in new tab).

You play as me, of course. Starting as a young prince of Thomond (opens in new tab), the game begins in 976 after the death of your older brother (opens in new tab) and your first action is to drive the Vikings from Limerick city (opens in new tab) and secure it.

After that tutorial-like prologue comes Act 1, expansion until dominating the southern province of Munster (opens in new tab) by 978. Act 2 continues the expansion until achieving domination over the southern half of the island by 996—this will be the toughest part of the game, with many shifting alliances and strong opposition.

Act 3 is securing the High Kingship of Ireland by 1002, mainly by defeating the previously dominant O’Neills. Rather than the previous clan v clan battles and skirmishes, this period will feature full-on major campaigns and conflicts.

Act 4 is the final one, dealing with various rebellions, but mainly culminating in the final epic Battle of Clontarf (opens in new tab) in 1014, where you lead your army against a Norse-Irish defense of Dublin (opens in new tab)—and finally end the Vikings as a military force on the island.

Only 4 acts, but 50-100 scenes all told, just fleshing out some at the moment. Only sure one is the game’s final scene, the big duel where you cleave SilkBeard (opens in new tab) in two, thereby making him ForkBeard…

So there you have it. While the outline sounds like one long bloodbath—and it is!—there will be a major diplomatic game going on beside the military one. If you don’t bring the right guys onside, if you don’t marry the right woman, if you don’t give the right gift, if your daughter doesn’t accept the right proposal… you get the idea, things will quickly go south on the battlefield. Which clearly isn’t good, since most of your push is northwards 

I haven’t decided yet, but seems natural for combined turn-based strategic and diplomatic phases interspersed with tactical resource claiming and military action. Perhaps dynamic, switching to tactical only when there are opposing strategic moves into the same region.

There will be an easy difficulty level where you don’t have to meet the ‘by year’ targets, and I’ll probably take some liberties with the map to enable more naval tactics—navy was a big part of BB’s success.

Anyway, early days yet, Gabe says I have a bit of time to flesh it all out.

ruzuyu: I’d probably be No Man’s Sky at launch…

SWard: Am…. Am I candy crush?

I asked PCG Lauren and she suggested I’m probably Jackbox, cause it’s loud and interactive.  She’s achingly right.

Krud: Probably The Stanley Parable.

[Krud looked carefully at his answer. He knew that some might read more into this choice than he intended, and wasn’t sure whether to stick with it, but ultimately decided it was as good an answer as any. He then returned to pushing buttons at his desk.]